I keep lying to myself that sometime in the near future if i’ve done certain things it will change my perspective on my world so that i will feel like i’m supposed to be here. I keep telling myself that if i find a new job so that i can move out and learn to drive everything will be better so i wont think the way i do sometimes which is becoming more often than i’d like. I think deep down i’ve always been looking for a cause as the quote “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” has been engraved into my mind so i guess in some form this would explain me spending money i don’t have on a sound system to do the events i used to love but now hate, i’ve crippled myself in debt and have to work a job that i seriously hate and have been stuck in for 5 dead years all so that the police can arrest me and try to take me to court so that they can either fine me £20,000, imprison me for 6 months or both for simply hosting events outdoors in the middle of nowhere for free so that people can enjoy themselves freely and socialise. I cant remember the last time i felt free or got properly excited about anything. I’ve always fought with the idea that i have done everything i ever wanted to do, that i’ve lived an exciting, good, happy and fulfilling life and that my time should of ended ages ago but recently its becoming more easy to ‘accept’ that and i guess that’s something i should be afraid of. I catch myself at random moments thinking its amazing to be alive, feeling the warmth on my skin and watching life everywhere to then being filled with hate towards everyone and myself for little reason at all. I should be grateful for the life i’ve lived and everything that i have because so many people don’t get the chance to experience life and im being hugely selfish and ungrateful. I cant shake this feeling, it’s almost as if im becoming a shell of a person when i’m alone like i’m slipping away. I hate this side of me, i think i need to find a new purpose in life or this is going to end badly.

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”  - Oscar Wilde